Golden hair framing her sweet face, piercing green eyes surrounded by liner.

She caught my attention as she boarded the RV, carrying herself with confidence mixed with slight hesitance. 

 She leaned in, chin resting on the palm of her hand. She described her love for music, the arts, creativity, dreaming aloud of what she hopes and wants out of life. 

This young girl has been stifled without realizing it with the difficult choices and situations she has allowed to become her lifestyle. Her love has been cheapened. Worth has become confused in her mind. Her shocking realities have become normal in her daily life.

She expressed the desire to find herself, who she is, her place in this world, for things to be different.

She has a fire about her, a determination for more. 

She has been created in the image of God, and she is not aware of it.

She has been formed and designed by a perfect father who longs for all of her. 

She is loved, a precious treasure, unique, and sought after...

I am confident of my father's love for this sweet  daughter.

He sees and knows her, and is not giving up on her life. 

Two Homes...

EVICTION NOTICE

You are hereby banished from
The House of Fear forever.
With malice aforethought, you have
Flagrantly withheld the monthly rent
Of guilt, anxiety, fear, shame
And self-condemnation.
You have adamantly refused to
Worry about your salvation.
Already I overheard one dismal tenant say,
“There goes the neighborhood!”
Your freedom from fear is not only
Dangerous but contagious.
Real estate values have plummeted;
Gullible investors are hard to find.
Why?
Your callous and carefree rejection
Of slavery!
A pox on you and
All deluded lovers of liberty!

-The Prince of Darkness 
( Ragamuffin Gospel)

I am a person who is all to familiar with visiting this home. Guilt makes sense to me, I am ready to be anxious,prone to fear, and well accustomed to shame. Self condemnation just seems to be a given. These things have often been my struggle, my showing up unwanted companion in life.

 Jesus Christ offers a very different home. 
God our father revealing real love through his son, putting on flesh and coming to walk with us on this earth is stunning. Him loving us enough to identify with us, unfathomable. His death and resurrection so that we may be set free and given hope in new life and relationship with our father, unbelievable.
 He is something beautiful, and we are his created handiwork.

His love is relentlessly unconditional. Available for the basking in. Hospitable in it's offering. Forgiving for the ugliness. And intimate in it's expression.
 He is our true home.

The crazy thought of being fully known, and fully loved regardless is such an undeserving gift. He sees my prone to wander away heart back to those places of bondage, struggle and hurt. Yet... he does not grow weary the way I do, frustrated in my failures as I do, or impatient in my stumbling as I do. 

I am thankful today for my father who never gives up on me,but takes me by the hand leading me deeper into his love, his heart, his truth, and his freedom.

I trust you when...

I am weak you are strong

 I am shaky you are steady

 I am struggling, you are not

 I am unsure, you are truth

I am confused, you are clarity

I am unlovely, you created me

Thank you. Help me to make you my home.

Mystery Man

      People have so much power to influence and effect each other. The way you look at someone, the words you speak, your body language... all of it can really impact a person to feel loved or unloved, important or unoticed, valued or not good enough.

I was significantly influenced by a gentleman on the streets the other night.
The way he treated me, the words he spoke to me, the way he listened to me... I knew I was incredibly valued.

He stood tall with a quiet dignity, bushy beard gone wild covering his whole face, kind eyes poking out beneath his hat.

There was something about him that struck me, he had a safety and simple peace he seemed to carry. A mystery. I enjoyed his presence as I searched to find him a pair of pants, we small talked.

He smiled looked at me and asked " so, tell me how long you have been a Christian".

He easily leaned in to hear my answer genuinly interested.

After my short story, I asked him the same question.

He instantly drew me in with his words.

 He spoke of picking up the bible and reading the gospel of luke one day, and just knowing deep in his heart it was the word of God.

He described the burden he did not know he was carrying until it was lifted from his shoulders, when he realized Christ took it for him.

The rv revved up, with a tip of the hat, an encouraging word to me in my walk with God he went back into the night.

Sometimes I am sure Jesus is revealing himself through people,  this was one of those times.

Frigid cold night, absolutely chilling to the bone, wind sweeping the streets with snow dust, tiny flakes twirling around my head.

Each person we found seemed all the more vulnerable. Each with watery eyes, bright red faces, shaking, struggling to keep warm. Small bundles in corners, on sidewalks burrowing in sleeping bags…

It was heart wrenching tonight, though there were not nearly as many people as normal, still far to many individuals we found were alone in the cold.

An elderly woman really captured me tonight. Sitting atop a heating vent, a massive tarp threatened to carry her off as it billowed around her, two tiny legs poking out. Her person coming into view, beautiful toothless smile, soft hair around her face, kind engaging eyes.

Her attitude  was light hearted and upbeat, as she laughed about what she must look like to passerbys. She was so appreciative and showed such intentionality in her speech as she thanked us. She talked freely and at ease as if we were old friends.

How humbling for me, a person who is quick to complain when it is cold, and let grumpiness and complaining take over when I am not comfortable.

I am  struck by the attitude , kindness, and friendship I am shown by people on the streets. People who I would think have every right to be upset, frustrated, and angry for being in that situation instead seem to be surviving with humility. I am being taught.

Please pray for those who for whatever reason are finding themselves out in this cold weather alone right now.

Christmas...

Christmas, a word for me that is quickly tied to warm fuzzy feelings. 

Fresh good smelling tree, decorated and covered in twinkle lights, laughter, family, giving and receiving. Sledding, memories, meaningful moments. Lots of hugs, love and joy constantly in the room. 

Reading the christmas story by candlelight, singing christmas songs, being secure, safe.

Christmas for many on the streets of Toronto, is a word that is quickly tied to very different emotions. Pain, loneliness, sadness, anger, difficult memories...

I cannot relate in this way, there are always levels of pain that are hard for me to identify with in these  relationships.

Planning the Christmas party for these very dear friends, was a difficult task for me. Knowing what a hard time of year it is for some, I struggled to know what the night would hold, as the final touches to the banquet hall were made,and we prepared to open the doors, I didn't know what to expect.

The evening was wonderful

 I was blessed by each and every one, as we celebrated and shared christmas dinner together. Everything felt slightly magical for me, I enjoyed having everyone in one room together laughing, talking, crafting . It was like a big, random, unique family, one that I have come to feel a part of, and take delight in many ways. 

I was not met with people angry, or bitter with Christmas like I had slightly expected. I was met with people who were quick to be selfless, honest with their feelings, thankful for the party and coming together, excited to be there and share together. 

I didn't want the night to end, I loved every moment. 

Please pray for my family here in Toronto this Christmas. My hope is somehow, someway they will experience the closeness, love, family, and home in Christ this Christmas even in the midst of their difficult circumstances. 

" I use drugs... You use Jesus"

We sat together outside of mcdonalds on bloor street downtown.
Fluffy hair tucked under a toque, styrofoam cup in hand for change.
Cigarette tucked loosely between his engaging smile.

His genuine kindness, and his gentle laid back attitude made him comfortable to be around.

He freely shared bits and pieces of his story. I appreciated his authenticity, and consistency in checking in with me every so often to make sure I was tracking with him. 

Lost childhood, jail in his teen years, unhealthy role models and influences, strongholds of drugs and alcohol in his life. He had seen much darkness.

I asked him what he felt like when he was on drugs. He seemed to enjoy my innocence, and switched into teaching mode careful to make it relatable for me kindly.

He described the feelings as that of sinking into a hot bubble bath in an atmosphere of candles lit. A feeling of escape, letting go, peace and comfort.

He went a step further. Relating it to the feeling I would experience being in the presence of God. At peace.

" We use different mediums to get that feeling. I use drugs you use Jesus". He stated nonchalantly.
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    This man is searching. It was clear through our whole conversation. He was wrestling, confused, and unsure.
He clearly understood me as I shared my faith, and the hope that I have found in Christ, he seemed happy that I had found what I was looking for. 

He just couldn't get there for himself.

Please pray for him, and so many like him on the streets in Toronto. People who are using other
 " mediums"to fill that emptiness, and meet their needs. May they come to see that Jesus is what they really need.

" A damn drunk, a bum"

     
     Furrowed brow hunched down in his seat, serious stern face, gruff voice, then a bright smile.

There is an intensity to him, as he often speaks in hushed tones leaning in real close to peer into your eyes, then erupting very suddenly in a yell... then back to hushed tones. 

" Who is God"? he asks angrily, almost testing me it seemed, with a small hint of sadness in his eyes. This small but profound sentence proceeded to lead us into a deep very meaningful conversation.

He spoke of his burden in regards to all the bad he had done, and the fact he sometimes felt God was choosing not to save him until he became better. He was tired of confessing. 

His eyes were striking, he didn't break contact with mine. So open, so honest with his struggles as he hashed it out. 

I asked him quietly how he thought God saw him. My heart aching for his answer.

He paused thoughtfully, emphasizing every syllable gazing intently at me before speaking. 

" A damn drunk, a bum".

I was about to respond, when what he said next surprised me.

" Thats why Jesus came though you know, for damn drunks and bums".

God has been showing me his heart for those who recognize their need for him. 
I believe that he longs for and desires a relationship with the homeless, the misfits, the addicts, those prostituting,the transgendered, the mentally ill...

I believe he has hope for them, he wants to save them. He longs for them to know his deep, real love for them.

I can get so fixated on people's situations, their pains, their struggles, their sins, their traumas, I begin to think they need to change before they can be saved, and have a real relationship with God.

The truth is he takes us as we are, in our condition.

God is showing me how much bigger he is, He cannot be limited. His love can not be confined. The way he works, and the way he is, often a  beautiful mystery. 

The hope he has for these dear ones, is one I cannot fathom. 

I am learning to let God lead me in these relationships. 
I am learning to put my faith and trust in him
I am learning to ask him for opportunities to share this saving hope, this intimate relationship with those I am spending time with.