Biblestudy Time.

Bible propped between the two of us, we took turns reading a line of scripture.

With each stanza her eyes would twinkle as she mused in a dreamlike fashion what God might be speaking.  She bashfully read word upon word confirming the fathers love and care for her. 

"You saw me before I was born." Psalm 139:16 she spoke stopping quickly, her eyes clouded over as the twinkle vanished. 

After pondering for a moment, she softly said, " if this is true, then he knew what my life would be like, and he still planned me to be born." 

A life of heart ache, struggle, pain and hurt.  Suddenly the loving God from a few moments ago, was a mean God who formed her with love, then put her into a painful life on purpose. 

This dear young woman has been having bible study and coffee with me for months. She hungers for Jesus, has countless questions and confusions, her heart is beyond soft towards him, she is familiar with his word, and has invited him to be her Lord and savior.... and yet she is consistently swayed with guilt, doubt, shame,destructive cycles, and an intense fear that she is beyond saving,not worth it, and will be sent to hell in the end. 

Please pray for her. She has such a desire to learn, grow, have understanding and peace in her walk with God. 

Please pray God would give me the  wisdom, truth, love and compassion I need as I spend time in friendship with her. 

" I haven't had a conversation in a week".

With our chins both resting on folded arms atop the counter in the rv, we spoke in a settled manner. Frequently he would erupt in a dry,croaky, repetitive laugh that would carry on for a few moments before returning to a similar tone.

Intriguing, heartbreaking, resourceful, fascinating, absolutely endearing...

 I struggled to comprehend as he shared his life. The more I heard, the difficulty heightened to be okay with his reality, no matter how sure of it he was. 

An all to common life of hardship and trials from the get go, abandoned in many ways, mistreated, and familiar with harm upon his identity consistently. With a tent for a home currently under the bridge, faithful dog for a companion, he opted to go it alone and live as a nomad, aimless, and nameless...

Safer to be alone, away from all the "junkies and drunks"...

With a genuine smile full of blackened teeth, he spoke  about the steaks he scored from a day of panning, he delighted in explaining how he cooked them himself on the small camp stove by his home. 

Such a sweetheart.

A strange serenity played across his face as something seemed to dawn on him. 

" I never talk, no one talks to me, I don't think I have had a conversation in a week, this feels good to just talk and have a good conversation." 

No person should live so isolated.

No person should live so disconnected from love and care.

No person should live with the knowledge that no one is concerned for your well being. 

No person should live without being in relationship.

The wrestle of these injustices and angers, filled me with reluctance to let him go back to his normal, that he seemed so okay with.

Please pray for this dear one.

May the touch of Jesus Christ be felt in his frailty... May his comforting presence be experienced in profound ways... May relationship with the father draw him close to him and others....May the truth of his precious, treasured life be made known to him... Amen.

Hidden Gems...

His dark eyes seemed to dance, he spoke gently with a pleasant french accent, as he introduced me. With a presence that seemed to soothe his drunken friend  he followed with kindness  the aimless pacing  back and forth beside the dumpster. I took in the scene captivated by what I was beholding. The banter between the two of them was endearing. The younger one patiently accepting the playful arm around his shoulder, the gesture similar to that of a father and son. The older one spoke to me through puffs of breath laced with the smell of alcohol , wanting me to know how special this friend was to him. I was touched by the friendship, the care the younger had for the older, trying to get him to eat solid food, and making sure he was warm enough for the cold night ahead. I felt I had discovered a gem in these two, with a backdrop of city lights, I left them sitting on new sleeping bags laughing together, enjoying their company, slightly spilling their soups. 

Such vulnerability.

Young, so young. He peered up at me and I was struck by the innocence all over his face. Small in stature and build, legs folded up holding his sign, head covered by a thin hat, brightened up smile. He spoke to me with such courtesy, friendliness, joking easily and thoughtfully. What an instant genuine friend. He had never seen our Light Patrol van before, and jumped at the chance to come aboard with me to get some food and supplies to make his home under the bridge more comfortable. A real thankfulness draped his speech as he chatted kindly with us. He was the picture of vulnerability on the streets, he had no one. So young, seemingly innocent and untainted, his situation was very worrisome to us. Knowing the dangers of older predators on the streets looking for the young homeless youth to exploit and mistreat, was very unsettling. With a sweet wave goodbye, sleeping bag in tow, he was back out. Please pray we see him again, for his protection along with so many others in similar circumstances, and for safe healthy people to come into his life.

His Humility...

Back against the cold concrete we spotted his face peeking between brightly lit car lights  crouched,  change cup placed between his runners.  It was a bad night for him body  feeling sick, unable to keep food down, exhausted from his lack of sleep, and tired of being mistreated. We sat together as a haze of people brushed past, he called out " good evening" and " have a good night" to each passerby but it sounded thin among the hurry. Gently exasperated he exhaled slowly glancing at me with a shrug. He spoke of being looked at  like garbage and how it made him feel hopeless, he told of trying to be a gentleman but was judged on his appearance... Being spit upon, looked at with disgust, the brunt of a joke, and an easy target for throwing punches. The depth of his despair, the hollowed look in his face, the slumped shoulders and there was nothing I could do or say to make his pain all better. I so badly wanted to. " I just want one night in a nice warm bed, and a hot shower all for myself." He muttered without a hint of complaining or blaming in the slightest, he was just sharing. I felt powerless, all the words I thought of speaking would seem shallow and meaningless. All the advice or possible help I could offer him would only be repetition. What was left? I asked  if I could pray for him.To my surprise he hung his head immediately, welcomed my hand on his shoulder, his eagerness spilling the change without taking notice. Such a holy moment watching this man as we talked to Jesus, his expression relaxed, softening, nodding agreeing with the words as I spoke them. Oh, that smile was contagious, his sweet face so kind, his humility will forever be teaching me. 

" My World contains me on my own, everyone else in a different one."

Wearing a top hat over matted shoulder length hair, a purple overcoat, and thin patterned leggings. She assisted me in settling down a friend's dog that was acting up as I walked along Queen street.  She spoke in soothing tones to calm the dog.  What started out as a friendly conversation on the surface, rapidly turned into the deep  plunging into much more. We sat together on the pavement, the dog sitting between us seemed to put her at ease as she shared a life riddled with mental illness, dillusions, abandonment. " I am outcasted" she said plainly with the intensity of passion for injustice. " I am trapped in this body, they call me a lesbian, a dirty whore."These messages are stuck in her mind, she cannot stop the voices she explained.  Knowing that she can't think right,  she feels alone, stuck isolated in her confused mind. Watching life pass by, on the sidelines, powerless, no control. She craved to experience a family, to truly belong somewhere.

Our conversation was all over the place as she shared, giving me a tiny window into her chaotic mind. No grasp of reality or identity, jumping to extremes... one minute the bride of the devil tormented by demons, next she was Jesus Christ and the world was rejecting her. Freedom feels far off to her, unfathomable, peace has rarely been known in her life. Yet, her heart aches for it, hopes to somehow find it. " My world contains me on my own, everyone else in a different one, until someone steps into my world like right now, well I better be going." She stated abruptly, " Could you give me a hug"? she asked preparing to walk away. With a smile, a hug and an " I love you" to my surprise, she hurried off.

It was difficult for me to watch her walk away, and to eventually walk away myself.

Such a lovely woman, becoming a friend, then leaving typically not to be seen again. Her beautiful vulnerability in speaking, allowing me to know her better is an honour. Her kindness and response to me, to speak love over me in the midst of her life of struggle is so humbling. 

She needs prayer, please lift up her and many others on the streets who live within the chaos of their minds, tormented by things we cannot understand, their painful realities. My hope is somehow  these precious ones will see see the truth of Jesus Christ amongst all the lies. That they will find him, his relationship, his love, his sense of belonging and family. To trust in the hope of one day being made whole, completely restored, fully healed, and infinitely loved.

Meeting a family member...

Hood pulled tightly to her face, small in stature although direct in approach. 

She stood at the subway between the stairs and the escalators. Swarms of people spilling every which way, as she tried to be heard among the heavy flow of traffic. 

 Hospital bands dangling from her thin wrists caught my attention as I back tracked, missing her the first time. I was stunned at the tired desperation that cloaked her face, as I moved up close with the assumption of meeting anger.

" What do you need"? I asked.

With  eyes darting back and forth , her words came tumbling out in broken English. She shared that her health was very bad she had just come out of the hospital and had been instructed to buy fresh vegetables, and didn't have the means. 

I was fortunately able to help her out, as I had recently been gifted some extra money, I had leftovers.   

Her reaction was one I would never have anticipated. " No, No, No, you stopped that was enough, you don't need to give me anything else". She spoke clearly flailing her arms. I explained that it was a gift that I had been given from someones generosity and I wanted to share it with her to get veggies.

She bargained stubbornly, making me promise that I would accept her paying me back so she could be generous as well to me. 

Humor slipped it's way in,  smiles tiptoed across our faces as we came to a compromise.

Gripping my shoulders with a strange mix of tender firmness, face close to mine, eyes locked for a long moment, " Why"? she asked softly.

I thought for a moment, searching for the right words unsure of what they were.

" I love Jesus". I shared hesitantly causing me to feel slightly foolish as I questioned my response. 

With eyes welling up, and arms pulling me close in a swift moment, she whispered " I love Jesus too". 

In that beautiful moment we shared, we were family we were united.

" Now I can go, and I love you". She said with another hug, and kiss on the cheek.