His Humility...

Back against the cold concrete we spotted his face peeking between brightly lit car lights  crouched,  change cup placed between his runners.  It was a bad night for him body  feeling sick, unable to keep food down, exhausted from his lack of sleep, and tired of being mistreated. We sat together as a haze of people brushed past, he called out " good evening" and " have a good night" to each passerby but it sounded thin among the hurry. Gently exasperated he exhaled slowly glancing at me with a shrug. He spoke of being looked at  like garbage and how it made him feel hopeless, he told of trying to be a gentleman but was judged on his appearance... Being spit upon, looked at with disgust, the brunt of a joke, and an easy target for throwing punches. The depth of his despair, the hollowed look in his face, the slumped shoulders and there was nothing I could do or say to make his pain all better. I so badly wanted to. " I just want one night in a nice warm bed, and a hot shower all for myself." He muttered without a hint of complaining or blaming in the slightest, he was just sharing. I felt powerless, all the words I thought of speaking would seem shallow and meaningless. All the advice or possible help I could offer him would only be repetition. What was left? I asked  if I could pray for him.To my surprise he hung his head immediately, welcomed my hand on his shoulder, his eagerness spilling the change without taking notice. Such a holy moment watching this man as we talked to Jesus, his expression relaxed, softening, nodding agreeing with the words as I spoke them. Oh, that smile was contagious, his sweet face so kind, his humility will forever be teaching me. 

" My World contains me on my own, everyone else in a different one."

Wearing a top hat over matted shoulder length hair, a purple overcoat, and thin patterned leggings. She assisted me in settling down a friend's dog that was acting up as I walked along Queen street.  She spoke in soothing tones to calm the dog.  What started out as a friendly conversation on the surface, rapidly turned into the deep  plunging into much more. We sat together on the pavement, the dog sitting between us seemed to put her at ease as she shared a life riddled with mental illness, dillusions, abandonment. " I am outcasted" she said plainly with the intensity of passion for injustice. " I am trapped in this body, they call me a lesbian, a dirty whore."These messages are stuck in her mind, she cannot stop the voices she explained.  Knowing that she can't think right,  she feels alone, stuck isolated in her confused mind. Watching life pass by, on the sidelines, powerless, no control. She craved to experience a family, to truly belong somewhere.

Our conversation was all over the place as she shared, giving me a tiny window into her chaotic mind. No grasp of reality or identity, jumping to extremes... one minute the bride of the devil tormented by demons, next she was Jesus Christ and the world was rejecting her. Freedom feels far off to her, unfathomable, peace has rarely been known in her life. Yet, her heart aches for it, hopes to somehow find it. " My world contains me on my own, everyone else in a different one, until someone steps into my world like right now, well I better be going." She stated abruptly, " Could you give me a hug"? she asked preparing to walk away. With a smile, a hug and an " I love you" to my surprise, she hurried off.

It was difficult for me to watch her walk away, and to eventually walk away myself.

Such a lovely woman, becoming a friend, then leaving typically not to be seen again. Her beautiful vulnerability in speaking, allowing me to know her better is an honour. Her kindness and response to me, to speak love over me in the midst of her life of struggle is so humbling. 

She needs prayer, please lift up her and many others on the streets who live within the chaos of their minds, tormented by things we cannot understand, their painful realities. My hope is somehow  these precious ones will see see the truth of Jesus Christ amongst all the lies. That they will find him, his relationship, his love, his sense of belonging and family. To trust in the hope of one day being made whole, completely restored, fully healed, and infinitely loved.

Meeting a family member...

Hood pulled tightly to her face, small in stature although direct in approach. 

She stood at the subway between the stairs and the escalators. Swarms of people spilling every which way, as she tried to be heard among the heavy flow of traffic. 

 Hospital bands dangling from her thin wrists caught my attention as I back tracked, missing her the first time. I was stunned at the tired desperation that cloaked her face, as I moved up close with the assumption of meeting anger.

" What do you need"? I asked.

With  eyes darting back and forth , her words came tumbling out in broken English. She shared that her health was very bad she had just come out of the hospital and had been instructed to buy fresh vegetables, and didn't have the means. 

I was fortunately able to help her out, as I had recently been gifted some extra money, I had leftovers.   

Her reaction was one I would never have anticipated. " No, No, No, you stopped that was enough, you don't need to give me anything else". She spoke clearly flailing her arms. I explained that it was a gift that I had been given from someones generosity and I wanted to share it with her to get veggies.

She bargained stubbornly, making me promise that I would accept her paying me back so she could be generous as well to me. 

Humor slipped it's way in,  smiles tiptoed across our faces as we came to a compromise.

Gripping my shoulders with a strange mix of tender firmness, face close to mine, eyes locked for a long moment, " Why"? she asked softly.

I thought for a moment, searching for the right words unsure of what they were.

" I love Jesus". I shared hesitantly causing me to feel slightly foolish as I questioned my response. 

With eyes welling up, and arms pulling me close in a swift moment, she whispered " I love Jesus too". 

In that beautiful moment we shared, we were family we were united.

" Now I can go, and I love you". She said with another hug, and kiss on the cheek.

A Troubling Night

I had finished outreach for the night, and was ready for a relaxing ride home with a good book.

The scent of alcohol was overpowering, as he sat down beside me hunched in his seat on the subway platform. He struggled to fix his gaze  as he began to speak to me. His words gathered together in a jumbled mess. Frustration was building as he fruitlessly tried lighting his cigarette with no lighter. When the problem became clear to him, he stumbled around tripping over his legs asking people to light him up. No one could help him, he ambled back defeated and angry. 

We got on the subway together, he proceeded to give me his panning coins angrily yelling of his hatred for money. Bag full of empty beer cans slung over his shoulder, his disappointment with his lack of alcohol set him on a quest to get more, conveniently at the station I had to go to. 

He spoke to me in hushed slurred tones on the way, anxiously moving his long hair from his eyes. I struggled to hear him, to grasp what was so important for him to speak. Eventually he clearly stated after searching my face for a long moment. " Why do you pay attention to me"? He asked with a softened face, expecting a good answer. My heart was heavy for this man, for the state he was in, and the very real hurt that was coming out of his drunken stupor. He proceeded to erupt angrily a slew of curses at me. 

It was painful and difficult to look the stronghold of alcohol in the face, and see how it takes over a person, and distorts who they really are.

As we got off together at the station, I knew I couldn't leave this man to fend for himself. No grasp of his surroundings, wearing little clothing, and no comprehension of safety.

I called around to see if a shelter would take him, or a crisis center would come pick him up. No one was able to, so a call to the police came next to his horror.  Intense  anger, mixed with the fear of a small child played across his face. 

He spent the long wait with me emotions going up and down, up and down. One minute angry with me, hating me, to asking me life questions and sharing about his life..

As the police came and eventually got him the transportation and hospital help he needed, he became convinced I was an undercover cop. Strapped to a stretcher, and yelling threats at me, for my betrayal he was wheeled out to the ambulance. 

This was easily one of the most difficult encounters I have faced yet. 

Walking with this homeless man through the night, I witnessed the disgust in the faces of people walking by him.

 The despair and hopelessness gripping him in his alcohol addiction. 

The worthlessness that dripped from every word.

The anger that overtook him.

As I sat on my kitchen floor at home and played out the night, I knew Jesus was with us the whole time.

A father's burden for his dear lost child was obvious. The pained heart of a longing for his son to receive and know him was apparent. The anguish in seeing your precious creation harming himself, and stuck in despair with no sense of worth was clear.

It was a significant night for me, as Christ was revealing himself, and his heart to me through this encounter. Please join me in praying for this gentleman that he will one day know his savior, his father, and his healer.