Christmas...

Christmas, a word for me that is quickly tied to warm fuzzy feelings. 

Fresh good smelling tree, decorated and covered in twinkle lights, laughter, family, giving and receiving. Sledding, memories, meaningful moments. Lots of hugs, love and joy constantly in the room. 

Reading the christmas story by candlelight, singing christmas songs, being secure, safe.

Christmas for many on the streets of Toronto, is a word that is quickly tied to very different emotions. Pain, loneliness, sadness, anger, difficult memories...

I cannot relate in this way, there are always levels of pain that are hard for me to identify with in these  relationships.

Planning the Christmas party for these very dear friends, was a difficult task for me. Knowing what a hard time of year it is for some, I struggled to know what the night would hold, as the final touches to the banquet hall were made,and we prepared to open the doors, I didn't know what to expect.

The evening was wonderful

 I was blessed by each and every one, as we celebrated and shared christmas dinner together. Everything felt slightly magical for me, I enjoyed having everyone in one room together laughing, talking, crafting . It was like a big, random, unique family, one that I have come to feel a part of, and take delight in many ways. 

I was not met with people angry, or bitter with Christmas like I had slightly expected. I was met with people who were quick to be selfless, honest with their feelings, thankful for the party and coming together, excited to be there and share together. 

I didn't want the night to end, I loved every moment. 

Please pray for my family here in Toronto this Christmas. My hope is somehow, someway they will experience the closeness, love, family, and home in Christ this Christmas even in the midst of their difficult circumstances. 

" I use drugs... You use Jesus"

We sat together outside of mcdonalds on bloor street downtown.
Fluffy hair tucked under a toque, styrofoam cup in hand for change.
Cigarette tucked loosely between his engaging smile.

His genuine kindness, and his gentle laid back attitude made him comfortable to be around.

He freely shared bits and pieces of his story. I appreciated his authenticity, and consistency in checking in with me every so often to make sure I was tracking with him. 

Lost childhood, jail in his teen years, unhealthy role models and influences, strongholds of drugs and alcohol in his life. He had seen much darkness.

I asked him what he felt like when he was on drugs. He seemed to enjoy my innocence, and switched into teaching mode careful to make it relatable for me kindly.

He described the feelings as that of sinking into a hot bubble bath in an atmosphere of candles lit. A feeling of escape, letting go, peace and comfort.

He went a step further. Relating it to the feeling I would experience being in the presence of God. At peace.

" We use different mediums to get that feeling. I use drugs you use Jesus". He stated nonchalantly.
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    This man is searching. It was clear through our whole conversation. He was wrestling, confused, and unsure.
He clearly understood me as I shared my faith, and the hope that I have found in Christ, he seemed happy that I had found what I was looking for. 

He just couldn't get there for himself.

Please pray for him, and so many like him on the streets in Toronto. People who are using other
 " mediums"to fill that emptiness, and meet their needs. May they come to see that Jesus is what they really need.

" A damn drunk, a bum"

     
     Furrowed brow hunched down in his seat, serious stern face, gruff voice, then a bright smile.

There is an intensity to him, as he often speaks in hushed tones leaning in real close to peer into your eyes, then erupting very suddenly in a yell... then back to hushed tones. 

" Who is God"? he asks angrily, almost testing me it seemed, with a small hint of sadness in his eyes. This small but profound sentence proceeded to lead us into a deep very meaningful conversation.

He spoke of his burden in regards to all the bad he had done, and the fact he sometimes felt God was choosing not to save him until he became better. He was tired of confessing. 

His eyes were striking, he didn't break contact with mine. So open, so honest with his struggles as he hashed it out. 

I asked him quietly how he thought God saw him. My heart aching for his answer.

He paused thoughtfully, emphasizing every syllable gazing intently at me before speaking. 

" A damn drunk, a bum".

I was about to respond, when what he said next surprised me.

" Thats why Jesus came though you know, for damn drunks and bums".

God has been showing me his heart for those who recognize their need for him. 
I believe that he longs for and desires a relationship with the homeless, the misfits, the addicts, those prostituting,the transgendered, the mentally ill...

I believe he has hope for them, he wants to save them. He longs for them to know his deep, real love for them.

I can get so fixated on people's situations, their pains, their struggles, their sins, their traumas, I begin to think they need to change before they can be saved, and have a real relationship with God.

The truth is he takes us as we are, in our condition.

God is showing me how much bigger he is, He cannot be limited. His love can not be confined. The way he works, and the way he is, often a  beautiful mystery. 

The hope he has for these dear ones, is one I cannot fathom. 

I am learning to let God lead me in these relationships. 
I am learning to put my faith and trust in him
I am learning to ask him for opportunities to share this saving hope, this intimate relationship with those I am spending time with. 

Two Identities...

He stands tall, often towering over people. Dressed head to toe in black, black tall pumps,and a black long overcoat mid calf.
Long thin colored hair, very long painted fingernails, and an ever changing identity.

One identity:   creepy, psycho, shocking, dark ,this is what people on the streets label him as. He seems to live into that label, he is attention seeking in making big gestures to be these things. Every night  I spend time with him on the van he never fails to run his long fingernails down someones arm to get a reaction , tilt his head while staring at someone with scary eyes hoping for alarm, breathe his  hot breath close to a persons face wiggling his tongue causing discomfort.

I was caught off guard by this guy when I first met him months ago , I was a little fearful, and unsure of what to make of him, or how to treat him, when he did these things in front of me or to me. I have been learning to look past these behaviors and to focus on really treating him like a gentleman, with respect and dignity, not holding him to this stereotype. We are weekly having good conversations, he is sharing more, and I am seeing glimpses into this other identity.

Other Identity: He is fun, interesting, talented, and lively. He is enjoyable to have conversations with, and he is genuine in his care for others. He is appreciative and gentle, loyal to his friends. He likes sharing his interests, and teaching people what he has learned. He loves music, and is a good singer. He has a great smile, when it's real.

He is caught between two identities. Both so opposite. I really love this guy, I look forward to hanging out with him on the RV every week, he is my friend . Though it confuses and saddens me when he goes back and forth all the time. I pray that he becomes more of the man he was made to be, and less of what others have told him he is.

Please pray that whatever keeps him enslaved, he begins to desire freedom from. My hope is he will one day know the God that created him with such care, worth and purpose, and  that he will enter into a personal relationship with him through Christ Jesus.

He is our refuge

" I know the Lord is always with me, I will not be shaken for he is right beside me"

" Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways"

" I love you Lord, you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my rock, in whom I find my protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me and my place of safety."

"  Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me, all day long I put my hope in you."

" The Lord is my light and my salvation- so why should I be afraid?"

" He will hide me in his sanctuary" 

" My heart has heard you say, come and talk with me. My heart responds, Lord I am coming."

Such rich, beautiful truth in the psalms describing God. 

He is a God who walks with us, he is never far. 

He desires to reveal his love for us.

It is truly his strength we are invited to rely on, his identity we can count on, his protection and safety we can run too.

We can lean into this radical intimacy, of daily asking him to lead us, and looking to him above all else.

He really is the only hope, the source of light, and our true salvation.

He is refuge.

He is love.

He is life.

He is relentlessly beckoning us to walk with him, drawing us to himself.

A special young woman...

           I knew who she was before looking up as she enters the van , her familiar squeeky little voice and gentle way with words make her absolutly irrisistable.

She has been sick for a number of weeks with a hacking cough. Unfortunetly with  this rainy, damp weather, and  her home being under the bridge her recovery is difficult.

She is so sweethearted and thankful for everything. She communicates well, and asks for help kindly.

She confides in me quietly some of the practical difficulties being a homeless young woman, and I am honored to be trusted.

As the van revs up communicating it's time for us to go, I am torn watching her leave. I cherish recieving the gentle hug, smile and goodnight from her.

I want to take her home, I want her to be pampered with a bubble bath, warm bed, and a space to be safe and comfortable. I want her to be doted on, cared for and delighted in.

She is worth so much more, she is a treasure, and she needs to know it, and experience it.

Please join me in praying for her and many others living on the streets. So many unique people, unhealthy situations, and difficult circumstances, that God would guide us in our relationships.

That we would be able to help them to get the assistance and support they need, to get off the streets.

Jesus

    It has been falling on me afresh, the mysterious yet beautiful truth, that God put on flesh and humanity and walked among us, died for us, and rescued us through his son Jesus Christ. It has taken me to scripture this week to discover Jesus yet again. I have been reminded that...


Jesus felt emotions. He experienced grieving, pain, knew loss.

Jesus experienced rejecton, betrayal, deep saddness,

he experienced abuse, affliction and injustice.

Jesus knew what it felt like not to belong, to be vulnurable , to have no home.

Jesus can identify with humanity better then anyone.


In the midst of being fully human, he also revealed to us just who God is, and his heart for humanity.


Jesus loved. Jesus noticed . Jesus walked with . Jesus reached out and touched.

Jesus felt great pity.

Jesus wept. Jesus had dinner with people. Jesus saw . Jesus had compassion .

Jesus was not shocked or disgusted with others. Jesus led . Jesus told stories. Jesus enjoyed teaching.

 Jesus gave hope . Jesus met people in their mess.


The list goes on and on through reading the gospel I am in awe of him, what he went through to save us, and his crazy love and compassion for us.


I long to know Jesus deeper and for others who don't know him to meet him.


Please pray that as God continues to lead us at Light Patrol into friendships with those living downtown Toronto, that together as a community we would all fall in love with Jesus, and know him better day by day.

We were just about to leave , when we heard the faint sound of laughter and voices. They were a group of 5 people guys and girls gathered around some candles under the bridge. They had a little living room set up and made cozy. 

Needles were present and they didn't hide what they were doing, it was all out in the open. 

As we began our walk back to meet the van, he chased after us. He wanted to be with us, and sit in the van, and get a few necessities. Even in the midst of being high he was very clear and able to communicate honestly and very kindly with us. He shared his struggles being homeless, his difficulties, his need to talk and be heard. With a thank you and a God bless, he was gone. 

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She was in the fetal position outside the van, 7 months pregnant, noticeably uncomfortable. She arrived about a week ago to Toronto, trying to find a better life than the destructive people she called family back home. With another child nearly twelve years old she couldn't take care of, she showed a strength and a determination to get back on her feet, leave her meth addiction, and be stable mother to her two kids. 

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A young couple with an infectious joy, she so young bright eyed, and a truly captivating presence, he a sense of humor and a gentle kindness. Their stories wrapped up in struggle for survival, scary situations, victim of  an abusive family, and loneliness on the streets. I did not want them to leave the van, I loved the warmth they seem to carry with them. 

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God knows these people, God sees these people, God loves these people. He knows every piece of their story, he sees them with hope to restore and heal, he loves them with an outrageous, furious, relentless love. 

He is not disgusted with the mess, he is in the mess.He is not overwhelmed with the brokenness, the hurt , the abuse, the addiction, the hopelessness.  I know and believe  he has hope for these people. I trust that he he is at work, and that he knows what needs to happen with each individual. 

Please keep these precious people in your prayers. That they would come to know Jesus. Jesus is what we need. 

To Love and be Loved.

The subway station was packed, people were running every direction, and I was being carried along with the fast paced traffic. 
Suddenly, for a split second he caught my eye. An elderly gentleman, with a cane, struggling to manage a grocery bag. His struggle was not noticeable, as he was very easy to miss in his very slow pace. 

He was the picture of weakness and frailty, I was hesitant to help him. I didn't want to embarrass  him, in case he was trying to go it alone. I approached, with limited english he couldn't understand me so I took his bag, and we proceeded to walk down one step at a time together. The walk was slow and awkward, no words exchanged between us. 

Eventually we made it to the bottom of the stairs, he turned to me and very slowly and thoughtfully he looked at me with kind eyes " You are kind, you are gentle, thank you". I was moved by his his heart, and his love for me, so genuine. We were complete strangers but there was love between us. 

We rode the subway together, and as we departed he kissed my hand, no words needed. 
I have never been so moved by the friendship of a stranger.

                                 " You shine out of the eyes of the lowly and poor,

                                            showing holiness in their defeat.

                                    Your invincible power at the center of their weakness" ( Psalms)


He ran up to me with a silly childlike joy in his eyes! Gesturing to the sidewalk where he was set up on the corner of a busy street. Amongst a huge pile of nails and screws, he had built a small basketball hoop, for people to shoot loose change into. He was so proud and all lit up in his big accomplishment. I sat as he explained in great detail his delight in making this enjoyable  for others to give him change. He was tired of the typical, so he got creative with it. He showed me FUN.

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We walked down a  brightly  graffitied alley until his small home came into view. I was struck by his  resources and building skills, and shocked that this was actually where he considered home to be. He was different they told me. He was not dealing with an addiction, he was just a young man who lived in an alley, a mystery. I was touched by his character. I was informed he often had the unwanted company of rats in this alley, who would sneak in and steal his food. After attempting to chase them away a few times, he realised they needed food just like him, and has allowed them to take what they need from time to time. He is gentle and loving. He showed me a SELFLESSNESS  that makes no sense to me.

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It was getting later at this point in the journey. We stopped the van, and a few of us ventured under the bridge with flashlights. A whole other world came into view as the light hit the dark corners. Homes set up, belongings, articles of clothing, tents, and remnants of daily life. Many were seeking refuge under this bridge. With a lump in my throat, we made our way through the homes, people searching. They showed me that they are SURVIVORS.

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There are many stories to share about the different people I was privledged to encounter on monday night, these are just a few. Each one so unique, each revealing their own special beauty, and their own individual pain. I experienced such graciousness and hospitality from many. I can't explain the honor it is for me to have the opportunity to share a meal and build friendships with these lovely people. So many stories,  and such raw authenticity.

Please join me in praying. Where there is pain they would experience healing. Where there is trauma and addiction, they would know freedom. Where there is danger and  damage, they would find protection. Where their is searching and grasping, they would find him.

It's a Battle

" We are passionately loved by the creator of the universe... and Passionately hated by his enemy"


WoW . This is profound and true. I don't think I acknowledge  near enough that I am in a battle. I experienced a very low point yesterday. One of those times when I felt completely weakened by lies, burdened, and unable.

The past few days prior to this, I was experiencing such passion, beauty, wonder and awe. Filled to overflowing from my saviour. confidence in him, trust in him, boldness and excitement in my calling from him, fulfilment in only him. JOY, sunshine, happiness, and passion.

It seemed to happen so quickly. I felt robbed, I wanted to go back, what had changed?  Why was my heart prone to wander from the truth i knew so confidently only a few hours before.  What was going on here? this made no sense? I went to bed last night feeling confused, defeated, weak and weary.

I awoke this morning knowing I needed answers from my father. I sat down with him, and he clearly reminded me. The enemy hates me, despises me. As my father takes me into deeper freedom, as he pours his love on me and that love impacts, changes and transforms me. The enemy's hatred grows for me.

God has shown me his heart  that longs to reveal beauty, worth and the masterpiece in others that he created . To free captives, love the lost, clean up the messy, transform the stuck, break chains of bondage, and fulfil those grasping, striving and searching.

He has shown me and is continuing to show me these truths in my own relationship with him.

This morning he reminded me in a powerful yet gentle way, that it's not going to be easy. I am going to have to fight, be challenged, and need him as I step into full time ministry. The enemy does not want me sharing him with others, and God revealed that so clearly to me this morning.

Please keep me in your prayers, as I have a two week break before going to work as a missionary with Light Patrol. Pray that God will open my ears to what he's speaking to me, opening my eyes to the things he wants to show me. That above all no matter what my faith would be firmly rooted in him and in his truth , and that no matter what I trust in him.

I so appreciate you lifting me up and supporting me in prayer, I am beyond thankful for you all!!

             

Lord you are beautiful, you overwhelm me with the mystery  of who you are.

You are strength, power, and protection.

                           You are wisdom, glory, and honour.
You are big, vast, and complex.

                           You are gentle, tender, and intimate.

You are forgiveness, truth and mercy.

                               You are righteous, good and fair.

You are intriguing.
                              You are with me, you are always present.

You are the God of provision and relationship .

                               You reveal, teach and instruct me.


 You fascinate me in the ways that you work.

Transition

       Hello family and friends. As most of you know, I am finishing up my last week with urban promise. It's crazy to wrap my mind around the fact that I am finishing. These two years have been incredible, these kids and this ministry have become my family. I am so blessed and thankful for all the things God has taught me in my walk with him being here.

I am  both excited and nervous as I prepare to transition to a full time missionary role with youth unlimited. God is teaching me a lot about faith, this is a big step for me. I am looking to him to provide financially for me, a place to live, a place to belong in this ministry and guidance in this new role.

I have created this blog so I can include you in this adventure I am on with God, and the work he is doing through light patrol homeless ministry. I would really appreciate your prayers at this time as I finish with UrbanPromise, and fully commit to Light Patrol.

I am in need of people who can help with my financial support, I am praying God would be leading the people he wants to come alongside me to provide with my financial needs. Monthly supporters are a big prayer for me, as the consistency is nice to count on.

Thank you for taking time to care about me, for many of you I am so far away, and I miss you all dearly. I am so very grateful and blessed by your prayers and interest in my life. Looking for ward to sharing more, and connecting more with you as time goes on.

Love & hugs

Jess

http://lightpatrol.ca/